In major news today climate scientists have discovered lawyers, not cars or cows, are the main cause of climate change.
The lawyer effect on climate is two-fold. They use up more paper than anyone else causing massive deforestation, and they emit large amounts of CO2.
Lawyers seem incapable of reading onscreen and print out massive reams of paper in draft form of contracts, legislation, opinions and emails. They seem to need 5, 10 sometimes 15 drafts of then pass it for peer review where the process is repeated.
Drafts then go through a number of meetings (see below) where all participants are required to print said draft. As each party requires a lawyer the process is doubled or tripled in tripartite opinions.
All in all one legal opinion is said to endanger entire forests. This has caused parliament to call a select committee to look into banning class actions. The Amazon groaned at the news.
The second cause, CO2 emissions, comes from the habit of using 5 words where normally only one is needed. Getting a lawyer to shut up is difficult and further legislation has been called for to limit lawyer participation in conversations.
The government is also funding an advertising campaign to educate the public to only ask closed questions, requiring a yes or no answer, when interacting with lawyers 😦
Further problems are a lawyers non-committal dancing around a definitive answer that prolongs meetings and their incessant need for meetings. One lawyer is said to produce, or cause production of the CO2 emissions of 5 cows.
We asked the law society for comment. They are getting back to us with a non-disclosure agreement as soon as it has been drafted, discussed, peer reviewed, finalised and agreed with our own lawyer –